Stranger than Mary Sue Fiction
by OrbThesela
Summary: Draco Malfoy was an ordinary wizard, until he finds a book in his friends library. Now, a girl called Mary Sue is narrating his life, inaccurately and with a poorer vocabulary. Rated M for strong language and adult themes.
1. Chapter 1 Random Sentence Day

**Disclaimer:**All characters, terms and places associated with Harry Potter belong JK Rowling. The concept of Stranger than Fiction belongs to Columbia Pictures. Which, in itself, borrows ideas from the book; The Comforters by Muriel Spark. I have never read this book, but read this piece of information on Wikipedia. The concept of Mary Sue's belongs to no one in particular. I did not invent them, or the idea of this story, it is merely my interpretation of what might happen in such a situation. I have no intention to infringe on any copyright; this fiction is written for pleasure not profit. All I own is the story and of course, the occasional OC. Don't send your lawyers after me, I have no money.

**Warnings:**Rated M for coarse language and who knows what else that might pop up.

**A/N:** As usual, in my world, Blaise and Draco are friends, otherwise I can't think of anything that will break the canon, aside from the Mary Sue, of course.

**Chapter 1 - Random Sentence Day**

"_The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense_.

_Tom Clancy_

* * *

"What's this?" Draco asked Blaise, sliding a strange looking book from a shelf in Blaise's library. He peered at it curiously as he turned it over in his hands. Bound in what appeared to be pink leather, the cover was covered in faux jewels, stuck on by hand presumably, due to the fact that they didn't appear to be in any kind of pattern, except for a random one.

Blaise walked across the room, his hands were filled with a set of his mother's Quill's & Moon novels, which had some how become mixed in with his potions books. Deciding to sort out and re-categorise his library had turned out to be such a big job, he had had to con Draco into helping with promises of firewhiskey and a trip to the liquid lounge, their favourite Knockturn Alley, knocking shop. He looked at the book Draco had found and shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea, open it up, maybe it was one of my stepfather's and it got mixed in with the rest."

Draco lifted the cover and carefully read the bubble shaped, handwriting inscribed on the first page. "The secret writing of Mary-Sue Alyssa Starhawk." He scratched his head and looked at Blaise. "Ever screw a Mary Sue?"

Blaise looked up to the ceiling and began counting on his fingers. "Hmm, M, let me think... Mafalda, Miranda, Megan, Maria, Maddy, May, Marie, Monique..."

"Monique?"

"French." Blaise said with a smile. "You made me forget where I was. Oh yes, let's see, there was Mandy, Melanie, Michelle, Melissa, Monica... Oh!" Blaise said, remembering something. "Monica... she was, _amazing_ I wonder if I still have her address..."

"Alright, Mr My-Dick-Controls-My-Brain, I _get it_. You have fucked _a lot_ of women, was there a; Mary Sue, in with that lot."

"Nope." Blaise said, grinning.

"You knew that already, didn't you?"

"Yep."

"You just wanted to show off, didn't you?"

"A-huh." Blaise said, nodding vigorously.

Draco raised his right hand and hit Blaise over the back of the head. "Git."

Blaise laughed, and then pointed at the book. "Sorry, mate. Check inside the pages, is there a book mark for Snelson's Second-hand books?"

Draco began to flick through the pages, after a second he pulled out a thick paper bookmark, with the logo for Snelson's books on it. "Ah-ha!" He said. "I have now lost your page, was that the point of the exercise?"

"No, tiny brain." Blaise said, smirking at his friend. "If there was a bookmark in there from Snelson's, it means it probably came from this big box of second-hand books I bought two months ago and just shoved on the shelves."

"So?"

"So, it's probably one of the books that came in the box, probably some muggle girl's diary." Blaise said.

"Eugh!" Said Draco, throwing the book with the end of his fingers onto a chair. "_Why_ in the name of Merlin's underpants would you buy muggle books? And_ second-hand_ ones at that?"

"Every so often I'll buy a pile of books from there, I never know what I've bought till I've got it home and sometimes there are some very useful, out of print, dark arts books. Occasionally, don't ask me how, a few muggle books end up in with what I buy, usually I throw them away, but I must have missed that one." Blaise said, peering at the strange looking book.

"So, what are you going to do with it?" Draco said.

Blaise shrugged his shoulders and sat down on his favourite armchair. "Dunno, open it up, see if there's potentially anything juicy in there."

Draco went to sit on the book table, but stopped himself midway, he had been kicked in the shins more than once by Blaise for sitting somewhere, other than the chairs. He picked the pink leather diary up and sat in the chair, opening the book to its first page, he began to read aloud. "_My name is Mary Sue, but all my friends call me by my middle name, Alyssa. This diary belongs to me, so you are reading this diary and you ARE NOT me, I am totally going to come and get you and make you pay!!..._"

Blaise leapt from his seat, clamping one hand over Draco's mouth and slamming the book shut with the other. "Stop right there. Don't read another word!" He removed his hand and sat back down in his own chair, to the strange looks he was getting from Draco. "Let's just burn it, right now."

Draco quirked his eyebrow. "What the hell is your problem? It was your idea to read this thing."

"Have I taught you nothing?" Blaise said. "Have you never heard of_ Sonnets of a Sorcerer_? Some books like that are cursed, if you read _Sonnets_, you'll speak in limericks for the rest of your life."

"So, you are telling me that, if I read this, you think some muggle girl is going to magically appear and make us pay for reading her diary?"

"Yes."

"You're crazy." Draco opened the book and flicked through the pages. "Look, you can relax." He said, showing Blaise the pages in the book. "She's only filled in one page and it seems like some sort of weird description of herself." He held out the page and began reading again. "_Name: Alyssa Starhawk. Age: 16. Parents: Jasmine & Jacques Starhawk. Hair: Dark blue looks almost black._... How can someone have blue hair?" Draco commented, with a shake of his head, before continuing. "_Eyes: Ice Green_...Good lord... _Hair length: reaches bottom of back, thick waves... Lives: Crimdon Dean..._ It just goes on like this." Draco said. "Let's owl it back to her."

"You've completely lost the plot; I refuse to encourage this insanity any further." Blaise said.

"Come on, think about it. It'll be funny, some muggle girl, shitting herself when an owl flies through her window and drops the book in her lap." Draco said, grinning.

"I refuse to have any part in this." Blaise said. "You do that, you do it on your own and before you ask; NO, you cannot borrow our owl."

Draco frowned at his friend. "Spoil sport. Fine, I'm going home then to use _our_ owl."

"You can't go!" Blaise said. "We're not even half way through; we're not even _quarter_ of a way through."

"They are your books." Draco said. "I'm sure you'll be more than capable of sorting them out on your own."

* * *

Draco sat in his bedroom at the Malfoy Manor, drinking from a glass of good quality firewhiskey, he was thinking about the look on the muggle girl's face when his family's Eagle Owl dropped her diary back in her lap. He only wished he could have found some way to capture the expression so he could see for himself.

He shook his head with a smile. '_Oh well._' He thought. '_Still, I suppose it was a good laugh, even if Blaise wouldn't play along._'

He sat considering his thoughts for a moment when a voice sounded out, causing him to jump.

"_One day, Draco was sat in his bedroom, looking all sexy..._"

He looked around for Blaise, but to his great distress, couldn't see him anywhere. "Hello?" He said. "Blaise? Pansy?" He swallowed, his eyes darting around the room. "Anyone...?"

"_Draco was scared because that day he and Blaise had, had an argument..._"

"Alright Blaise!" Draco said. "Ha-Ha, very funny, now cut it out."

"_And Draco didn't know what he was gonna to do fix it._"

"We didn't have an argument, you stupid git, now get out here or I'm going to floo directly into your library and burn your little black book!"

"_Little did he know, that that day was the day that would change his life forever. Because it was the day he was going to meet the love of his life, Alyssa Starhawk..._"

"That's it!" Draco said. "Say goodbye to your whore-list, Blaise." Draco moved across the room and picked up the bag hung next to his fireplace. Grabbing a handful of green powder, he stepped inside the fireplace, throwing the powder and shouting; 'Zabini Mansion!' At the top of his voice.

When the green flames around him died away, he found himself standing in the fireplace in the parlour of the Zabini Mansion. He stepped out, dusting himself down, before he noticed Blaise's mother, sat with a glass of black vodka in one hand and a Quills & Moon book in the other. He straightened himself up and put on what he hoped was his best smile. "Hello, Mrs Zabini, I am sorry for bursting in on you like this. Is it ok if I go to Blaise's library? I think I left something there earlier."

Lucretia Zabini took a sip from her glass and waved her hand in the direction of the door. "Yes, that's fine, Draco. Can you tell him I expect him to emerge from there at _some_ point this evening?" She said.

"Of course." Draco said, offering her a smile and walking across the room as quickly as he could so he could get out of the room as Blaise's mother scared him somewhat. He shut the door behind him and walked to Blaise's library. He opened the door quickly and stepped inside, surprised to see Blaise standing in a pile of books, putting ones in his hands into different piles. "You!"

Blaise peered at Draco curiously and raised his eyebrows. "Me?"

"Ha-Fucking-Ha."

"Oh no. Don't tell me I've missed random sentence day?" Blaise said, smirking at his friend.

"Not. Funny." Said Draco.

"_Draco stood in Blaise's house, looking at his friend. He knew he loved him, but he didn't know how to say he was sorry..._" The voice spoke again.

Draco curled his lip in anger. "OK. One, I do not _love_ you, I _hate_ you! Two, there's no way that _I'm_ saying sorry to you and three... How the fuck are you doing that?"

Blaise looked confused; he furrowed his brow and cocked his head to one side. "Erm... Draco? I'm _Blaise_... You are standing in my house and currently you are acting like a crazy man..."

"The voice!" Draco said.

"Erm, what voice?" Blaise asked, looking more confused.

"_Draco was still a bit mad at his friend, but he knew he had to forgive him, because he was his only real friend..._"

"That voice!" Draco exclaimed. "The voice making sounds now, saying that you were my only real friend!"

Blaise raised his eyebrows and put his books down, walking over to Draco he put his hand on his friends shoulder. "Draco, do you think you maybe want to talk to someone? At the hospital maybe?"

"Blaise, please tell me that this is just a big wind-up and you are making that voice come from somewhere..."

"Mate, I swear, I'm not doing anything."

Draco swallowed and looked up at his friend. "Oh fuck. What has that book done to me?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Quills & Moon, of course refers to Mills & Boon romance novels, or if you're American, Harlequin press.**

**I'm not sure what I am going to do with this yet, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I know I told my regular readers I wouldn't start writing anything new until I had completely finished The Story in the Soil, but like most good ideas, this one came out of nowhere.**

**Please R&R**


	2. Chapter 2 There Could be No Firewhiskey

**Disclaimer:**All characters, terms and places associated with Harry Potter belong JK Rowling. The concept of Stranger than Fiction belongs to Columbia Pictures. Which, in itself, borrows ideas from the book; The Comforters by Muriel Spark. I have never read this book, but read this piece of information on Wikipedia. The concept of Mary Sue's belongs to no one in particular. I did not invent them, or the idea of this story, it is merely my interpretation of what might happen in such a situation. I have no intention to infringe on any copyright; this fiction is written for pleasure not profit. All I own is the story and of course, the occasional OC. Don't send your lawyers after me, I have no money.

**Chapter 2 - There Could Be No Firewhiskey **

"_I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, _

_but they've always worked for me."_

_Hunter S. Thompson_

* * *

Draco glared at Blaise. "I am going to _kill_ you."

"Me?" Blaise said, throwing his head back. "What the hell did I do?"

Draco extended his index finger and prodded it sharply into Blaise's chest. "Read it, you said. There might be something juicy in it, you said! This is all _your_ fault!"

Blaise rubbed his chest where Draco had prodded him. "Excuse me, but I_told_ you to put the damn thing down. I _told_ you not to send the stupid thing back to the girl. You should have burnt it, when you had the chance."

"Saying, I told you so; is hardly going to help at this point." Draco said, collapsing into a chair.

"_Draco sat down into a chair, he was thinking about things he was going to do."_

"Oh Merlin..." Draco said, covering his face with his hand. "Not again."

Blaise looked around the room, his eyes scanning every corner, trying to spy whatever it was that Draco was referring to. "Are you hearing the voice now?"

"Yes."

Blaise paused, holding his face sharply, as if he was trying to smell something out in the room. "Wait, I think I hear something..."

"You do?" Draco sat up, looking at Blaise with anticipation.

"Yes, it's someone talking..." Blaise said. "They're saying;_Draco, you're a mental case..._" Blaise looked at his friend and started to smirk, but stopped as soon as he saw Draco raise his wand in his hand, pointing directly at his face.

"Keep pushing, I _dare_ you."

"Alright, I'll behave." Blaise said. "So, what are you going to do now?"

"I don't..." Draco stopped, he looked up at Blaise. "Where did you say you got that book?"

"Erm." Blaise scratched his head for a moment. "Snelson's second hand books, it's in Hogsmeade."

"That's it!" Draco said, getting to his feet. "They might know where the book came from, then we can track her down, then kill her."

"Erm, Draco..."

"No arguments!" Draco said, walking across the room to the fireplace. "I'm holding you personally responsible for this, so you're coming. This is still networked in with the Hogshead, isn't it?" He said, nodding towards the fireplace.

"Of course it is, but..."

"Will you stop arguing and just get in the damn fireplace with me?"

"Oh, I love it when you get saucy..."

"Blaise!"

"Alright, alright." Blaise said, shaking his head and moving across the room to step inside the fireplace with Draco. "Why do we have to do this at the same time?"

"So I can keep an eye on you." Draco said, before throwing a handful of floo powder down. "The Hogshead, Hogsmeade!" Within moments, they were engulfed in green flames which swirled around them for a full minute before disappearing, the saloon room of the Hogshead coming into view.

The boys stepped out of the fireplace, brushing themselves down. Blaise immediately walked towards the bar, holding his finger out to get the barman's attention. "Alright, Abe, we'll have two large glasses of firewhiskey and leave the bottle, ARGH!" Blaise jerked back, Draco had grabbed hold of his shirt collar was dragging him backwards, towards the door. "Erm, better put those to one side for now, Abe..." Blaise said as he found himself being dragged out of the door.

"You can drink yourself into a slow death, later." Draco said as they reached the outside, finally letting go of Blaise.

"_Draco and Blaise decided to enjoy a lovely walk in Hogsmeade..._"

"Bugger, not again." Draco said, quickening his pace. "We are _not_ having a 'lovely walk'!"

Blaise looked around, wondering for a second who Draco was talking to, before remembering that it was probably the voice in his head. He pouted, sticking out his bottom lip. "You don't think I'm lovely to walk with?"

"Don't start!" Draco said, looking around. "Where is this place?"

Blaise pointed in the direction of the book shop. "It's only over there."

"Right, come on then." Draco charged off, his feet carrying him as fast as they could. He reached the book shop and pushed open the door, Blaise coming in a few seconds behind him. Draco walked up to the counter and slammed his hand down, giving a harsh glare to the young girl sat there. "Where do you buy your books?"

The young blonde girl jumped a little, her eyes widening as she looked at the angry young man stood in front of her. "I can't tell you who our suppliers are, that's confidential." She said, looking a little scared.

"I don't give a bloody, blithering, bollock about your _confidential_ suppliers!" Draco shouted. "I want to know where you got that stupid, bloody, bollocking, bastard, book from! Now!"

Blaise lent forward, peering around Draco and speaking in a softer voice to the girl. "I _think_ what my friend is trying to say is, could you perhaps get your Granddad for us, Michelle? Thanks."

The girl looked at Blaise and gave him a small smile, before nodding her head and going through a beaded curtain behind her, presumably to retrieve her grandfather.

"Michelle?" Draco said. "Don't tell me, you've shagged the book shop girl?"

Blaise smirked. "I get a twenty percent discount."

"On second hand books?"

"A bargains, a bargain, mate."

Draco shook his head, smirking at his friend.

"_Draco was sometimes jealous of all the girlfriends that Blaise had..._"

Draco growled at the ceiling. "I'd _hardly_ call them girlfriends."

Blaise peered at Draco curiously. "What _are_ you talking about?"

"_Draco wondered when he would meet the true love of his life..._"

"What?!" Draco exclaimed. "I have never thought such a thing in my life!"

An old man appeared through the beaded curtains that the young girl had disappeared behind. "Hello there, Michelle thinks there seems to be a problem."

"I should bloody, say..." Draco began, only to find himself being cut off by Blaise.

"We have a small problem, Mr Snelson." Blaise said. "My friend, picked up one of the books I had bought from here a little while ago and now he's hearing voices."

"Voice! As in singular." Draco said, giving Blaise a warning look.

"Hmm." The old man said, picking up a pair of glasses from behind the counter and putting them on. "What kind of book was it that you were reading, young man?"

"It was like a diary." Draco said. "It was practically empty, aside from the first page which had a description of the girl who owned it, on it."

"Hmm, peculiar." Mr Snelson said, looking puzzled. "Nothing about a warning?"

"Well, erm..." Draco began scratching the back of his head. "There was something about; this belongs to Mary Sue Alyssa Starhawk, don't read it or else..."

"Oh dear." Said the old man, shaking his head. "Oh dear, oh dear. Do you have the book on you?"

"Erm..." Draco shook his head. "That would be a, no. I kind of... Sent it back to her..."

The old man shook his head. "Oh dear, oh dear. I don't think there's anything I can do for you young man."

"What?" Draco said. "There must be something."

"Tell me, what is the girl saying?" He said.

"It's like, she's narrating." Draco said. "Only inaccurately and with a poorer vocabulary."

"As I feared." Said the old man, nodding. "I don't think there's going to be anything you can do, young man. She won't stop until the story concludes."

"What story?" Draco said, with a frown.

"You said that she's narrating." The man said. "She's telling a story about you. Pay attention to what she says, she'll probably give you clues as to what the climax will be."

"But... What if she's telling my life story?" Draco said.

"Then I'd get used to it." The old man replied.

* * *

Blaise and Draco sat at their usual table in the Hogshead, both had full glasses of firewhiskey in their hands, the bottle in front of them was already half empty.

"Well..." Draco said, sighing. "At least now I know I'm not crazy. Just incredibly, royally, fucked."

"Cheer up, mate." Blaise said. "It could be worse."

"How_exactly_ could this situation be worse?" Draco said.

"There could be no firewhiskey." Blaise grinned.

"_Just as Draco and Blaise were enjoying a nice butterbeer and discussing their fun day out..."_

Draco looked down at his glass of firewhiskey and shook his head. "I haven't drank butterbeer in years." He mumbled, clearly annoyed.

Blaise looked at his friend queerly. "I wasn't talking about butterbeer."

"_It was then, while Draco and Blaise were having their chat, that the girl who would forever change his life, Alyssa Starhawk, walked into the pub._"

Draco raised his head and looked around "She's here?" Unable to see the door from where they were sat, he pushed his chair out and walked around the table.

"Who's here? What are you doing?" Blaise said, knocking back his glass of firewhiskey.

"Oh, shut up you idiot." Draco said, rolling his eyes "The voice just said that she just walked in the pub, I can't see..." He stopped speaking as he spotted her. Standing by the door, was a woman. She pulled the hood down on her cloak, revealing her face. "Her!" He exclaimed, looking shocked. "I should have known..."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Muh, ha, ha, ha... Cliffie... **

**I'm enjoying writing this story, it makes a nice change to be writing some good, clear, insanity. **

**Thanks go to; snapefan2007, fantasygirl26 and Jonathan J Strange for reviewing. **

**Special thanks go to Twiist for reviewing and beta-ing this chapter for me. ;) love ya hun. **

**Please R&R**


	3. Chapter 3 Sit Up and Keep Drinking

**Disclaimer:**All characters, terms and places associated with Harry Potter belong JK Rowling. The concept of Stranger than Fiction belongs to Columbia Pictures. Which, in itself, borrows ideas from the book; The Comforters by Muriel Spark. I have never read this book, but read this piece of information on Wikipedia. The concept of Mary Sue's belongs to no one in particular. I did not invent them, or the idea of this story, it is merely my interpretation of what might happen in such a situation. I have no intention to infringe on any copyright; this fiction is written for pleasure not profit. All I own is the story and of course, the occasional OC. Don't send your lawyers after me; I have no money.

_This chapter is dedicated to Twiist._

_She knows why._

_Boy, does she know._

**Chapter 3 - Sit Up and Keep Drinking**

"_I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, _

_but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant..."_

_Robert McCloskey_

* * *

Blaise was leaning so far back on the hind legs of his chair, in an attempt to see what Draco was looking at, he lost his balance and fell backwards onto the floor. "OW!"

Draco, who had been stood glaring at the doorway, allowed his eyes to slide to the side, seeing Blaise in a heap on the floor, which caused him to roll his eyes and shake his head at his friend. He muttered under his breath. "Bloody idiot."

"_Draco was extremely worried about his friend..._"

"And you can fuck off, too." He muttered.

"_But he was also mesmerised by the girl walking in the door..._"

"I'll give you fucking, _mesmerised..._" He said. His eyes glanced to Blaise once more, who had now stood up and decided to console himself in the firewhiskey bottle. He turned his attention back to the girl in the doorway and marched over to her, grabbing her harshly by the elbow and pulling her across the room to his table, pushing her down by her shoulders.

"_Draco was enchanted by the girl he had only just met, without knowing what he was doing he swept her off her feet by asking her to join him at his table..._"

"Right!" Draco said, sitting back down in his chair. "Let's get a few things sorted. One, I am neither enchanted or mesmerised, two, we've met many times before and I already know how much I hate you and three, this isn't an invitation, it's a threat. Stop what you're doing now and you don't get hurt. Understand?"

She raised her eyebrows in confusion. "I understand, except for one thing..."

"Go ahead..."

"What the hell are you talking about?" She said.

"Don't play ignorant." He said, lifting his glass of firewhiskey and taking a drink. "I know it's you who's making the voice say all those things. The voice said that she was coming in the door and then low and behold, in walked you."

"But..." She looked confused. "I only came here to meet up with Oliver. And to be honest, Draco, you're sounding a little crazy..."

"Welcome to my world!" Blaise said, downing another glass of firewhiskey.

Draco elbowed him in the ribs. "Shut up."

"_Draco was fascinated by the beautiful and mysterious girl sat in front of him..._"

"Oh Merlin." Draco said with a roll of his eyes. "Look..."

"Basically!" Blaise interrupted, ignoring the death stares that Draco was giving him. "He's got this voice in his head, describing everything he does and he thinks it's you. Is it?"

"No."

"Right, sorted, on with the drinking." Blaise started to refill his firewhiskey glass.

"It is not sorted." Draco said. "If you are not the one who is making the voice say things, then why did she say that it was her walking in when you did?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, maybe she's pretending to be me."

"HA!" Blaise spat his firewhiskey across the table.

"Oh that's rich coming from you!" She stood and picked up Draco's glass, throwing it in Blaise's face. "I'm remember that, the next time you're pissed and start getting all nostalgic."

Blaise wiped the firewhiskey from his face with his hand and looked up at her. "I'm sorry, Frobisher. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, why would someone pretend to be you to get to Draco, when there are so many other girls who are, well you know, closer to Draco."

"Frobisher, sit down." Draco said. "You're drawing entirely too much attention to this table."

"_She was going to leave, but Draco begged her to stay..._"

Draco folded his arms on the table and buried his head in them. "Blaise, just kill me now." His arms muffled his voice.

Blaise gave his friend a reassuring pat on the back. "There, there, mate. Get some firewhiskey in ya; it'll make you feel better."

The door to the pub opened and Oliver walked in, he looked around for a few moments before waving to Frobisher. She waved back at him. "Look, I'm going." She said. "But I tell you what, if you're still hearing this voice later and want, I don't know, some help or something. Then just owl me and I'll come over, ok?" She moved away from the boys table, going to join Oliver at the bar.

Draco sat up and looked at Blaise. "My life is over. There's some weird girl, whose voice is in my head, plaguing my every waking moment and _Victoria Frobisher_ just offered to help me..."

"Cheer up, mate..."

"If you tell me, it could be worse, I swear I will Avada Kedavra, you right here."

"Actually, I was going to say; she could come to her senses and realise that studly and buff is where it's at." Blaise smiled.

Draco slapped him across the back of the head.

* * *

"_Draco sat in quiet contemplate..._"

"More firewhiskey!" Draco croaked. "I can still hear her and now she's using the wrong verbs to describe what I'm _not_ doing."

Blaise threw an unopened bottle of firewhiskey at the settee Draco was sat on. "There you go, mate."

"_He could not stop thinking about Alyssa..._"

"Frobisher! It was, fucking, Frobisher! And I am NOT thinking about her..."

"What's she saying now?" Blaise asked.

"_The way her beautiful, long, hair, fell cascading over her delicate shoulders, each strand catching the light..._"

"She's talking about her hair." Draco said. "The way her hair was all shiny or something, I'm trying not to pay attention."

"_Draco had wanted to bury his face in her long beautiful hair..._"

Draco picked up a pillow and smothered it over his face. "I don't know how much more of this I can take." He said from underneath the pillow.

"Well sit up and keep drinking." Blaise said. "You never know, we might work past her bedtime."

"You are not funny and you are not _helping_." Draco said, sitting up. He looked around the library, scanning over the book spines. "We're in a library..."

"Very good, Draco. Now tell me, what colour is the carpet?"

"I wonder if you will be as funny when you are dead?" Draco glared at Blaise. "What I was saying was, we are in library, there has got to be _something_ in one of these books about this sort of thing. Something that might help, some other case of something like this happening?"

"That was too many something's." Blaise said, ducking as Draco threw a pillow at him.

"Remind me why I put up with you."

"Because I'm so pretty?"

"Big, bald, black, _men _aren't my type."

"Because I ply you with firewhiskey and take you to knocking shops that you pretend to hate?"

"That must be it..."

"I always suspected as much." Blaise said as brought his firewhiskey bottle to his lips and took a long drink.

"So, do you think there might be anything in here that might help?" Draco asked, looking at Blaise.

"Maybe, but at this stage I think we're both too drunk to look properly."

"You've raised a very good point there my friend."

From outside the room, they both heard the sound of Blaise's mother shouting. "Blaise!" She sounded fairly angry. Both boys sat up instantly, trying to hide their empties underneath their chairs before the door to the library swung open. "Blaise Zabini!"

Blaise put on his best smile, one which had stopped working on his mother a long time ago, but that didn't stop him from trying. "Yes, Mum?"

"What exactly do you think you're doing?" Lucretia Zabini said, her hands placed firmly on her hips.

"I don't know what you mean, Mum." Blaise said, trying to look to innocent. "Me and Draco are just sat here, quietly talking about..."

"Your stupidity, astounds me, sometimes." Lucretia shook her head, covering her eyes with her hand. "If you're going to pretend you weren't drinking, then at least find a more inventive place your empty bottles than, under the seat you're sat in."

Blaise looked down, two empty bottles were in plain view between his feet, the one he had been drinking from, he was sure she couldn't see, because it was sticking into his back. "Err... We got those to..." He looked to Draco to try and think of an excuse, but was met with a shrug and a blank expression. "Use as... erm, candle holders?"

"Genius..." She said. "Forget about the drinking, Blaise. As long as you're not both staggering through the house, knocking things over, I don't care."

"Oh." Blaise felt relieved. "But, what were you..."

"What I _do_ care about however, is having strange girls appear in our fireplace at this time of night! You can't be like a normal boy of your age can you? Next time, have her floo into here or your bedroom or learn to fly well enough, like Draco..."

Draco gave Blaise a smug look; Blaise gave Draco the finger.

"... And fly her onto your balcony! Next time I am disturbed like this, I don't care who she is, I'll hex her into oblivion. Do you understand me?"

"Yes Mum."

"Good." Lucretia turned on her heals and disappeared from the doorway, her voice sounding out from the corridor. "You can go in there now, but he's drunk, so I wouldn't expect much."

Blaise cringed; sometimes his mother was too much.

"I _told_ you it would be worth more of your time to learn to fly properly than to sit about all day, playing with your stupid bloody gobstones."

"I_ can_ fly." Blaise said. "I would just rather spend my time practising the skill that is gobstones, than flying about on a glorified branch, chasing after flying balls."

"What? Opposed to sitting, playing with little balls that spit at you?"

"_Draco thought his friend was stupid. After all, who wouldn't want to be a great flyer like him?"_

"Ha!" Draco laughed. "At last, she gets something right!"

"What? What did she say?" Blaise looked at Draco curiously. "Tell me, Draco, what did she say?"

"She said; you're shit in bed."

"Well I've definitely never slept with her then."

"Am I interrupting?" Both boys looked to the doorframe, where Frobisher was standing.

"Frobisher, what are you doing here?" Draco asked, raising an eyebrow suspiciously.

"I came to see if you were still hearing voices." She said.

"She keeps chiming in every now and then." Draco smirked.

"You might as well come in and pull up a bottle of firewhiskey, Frobisher." Said Blaise, beckoning her with his arm. "We're working on the assumption that we can drink her into submission."

"I don't think I can keep up with the two of you." She picked up a half-empty bottle of firewhiskey from the table.

"Don't worry, keeping up isn't the point. Getting so drunk you can't stand up, is." Blaise said, patting his knee. "There's a very comfortable chair here."

"Fuck off, Blaise. I'm not sleeping with you tonight."

"But you're free tomorrow?"

"Shut up, Blaise." Draco said. "You might antagonise Mary Sue or Alyssa or whoever the hell she thinks she is."

Victoria took a drink from the bottle in her hand and pulled a face. "Bleurgh."

"Hey! That's very good quality firewhiskey, you're bleurgh-ing." Said Blaise, looking offended.

"It's not really my drink." She said with an apologetic smile.

"You want Black Vodka?" Blaise asked, getting up as she gave him a small nod and going to the cupboard in the corner, where he pulled out a bottle of vodka for her and threw it into her hands. "There you go."

"Thanks."

"_Draco wanted to ask Alyssa allsorts of questions..._"

"Oh great, here she goes again..." Draco said, taking a large drink of firewhiskey to console himself.

"_He wanted to know everything about her. What her favourite colour was, who her favourite band was, what her favourite book was..._"

"What's she saying this time?" Blaise asked.

"She wants Frobisher to fill in an inane survey." Draco replied.

"_He wanted to ask about her past, but what he didn't know was that her past was filled with tragedy. Especially about her parents, just thinking about them would make Alyssa's eyes glaze over as she remembered her sad past... _"

Draco raised an eyebrow curiously and looked to Victoria. "Frobisher, tell me about your mother and father..."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**I am proud that I managed to make my friend, actually, physically cry with laughter on the third to last line. It took him about five minutes to calm down and compose himself after that bit.**

**Just clearing something up, before we get too far in about Frobisher. The reason I used her, instead of a more well known character, such as Hermione or Pansy, is because I have just written a 23 chapter Draco/Hermione story and I want a bit of a break. **

**Victoria Frobisher, isn't my character, she's JK Rowling's, however I use my friend Nikki's characterisations when writing her. Anyone familiar with my other stories will know that Frobisher usually pops up somewhere as it amuses me highly to see Blaise flirting with her and Draco scathing at her. **

**Also, using a more well known character would put certain expectations on the story and I would rather just have fun with this story.**

**Thanks go to: snapefan2007, Jonathan J Strange, fantasygirl26 and Twiist. **

**Please R&R**


	4. Chapter 4 I'll Have Sex with his Mum

**Disclaimer:**All characters, terms and places associated with Harry Potter belong JK Rowling. The concept of Stranger than Fiction belongs to Columbia Pictures. Which, in itself, borrows ideas from the book; The Comforters by Muriel Spark. I have never read this book, but read this piece of information on Wikipedia. The concept of Mary Sue's belongs to no one in particular. I did not invent them, or the idea of this story, it is merely my interpretation of what might happen in such a situation. I have no intention to infringe on any copyright; this fiction is written for pleasure not profit. All I own is the story and of course, the occasional OC. Don't send your lawyers after me; I have no money.

**Chapter 4 – I'll Have Sex with his Mum**

"_To lose one parent may be regarded,_

_as a misfortune; to lose both looks _

_like carelessness_."

_Oscar Wilde_

* * *

"No."

"What do you mean; no?"

"I mean, no. It's none of your beeswax." Victoria said, folding her arms, defiantly.

"I know about her parents, I'll tell you." Blaise said, not managing to duck in time as a book flew across the room and connected with his head. "Ow!" He looked at Victoria with disbelief. "What the _hell_ was that for?"

"It's none of his business, Blaise!" She said. "I only came round to do you guys a favour, well stuff the pair of you."

"Woah, woah." Draco got to his feet, holding his palms open in a vaguely submissive gesture. "Frobisher, calm down. Clearly, you're touchy about this subject, but I wouldn't ask if it hadn't been something that she said."

"She?"

"The voice. It sounds less crazy if I say; she."

"Oh." She relented a little. "Look, I don't like talking about it, Draco."

"You do realise that Blaise will just tell me when you've gone, don't you?" Draco said, pointing at Blaise.

"Shut up you, twat. I'm going to get something thrown at me again." Blaise glared at Draco.

She sighed. "Fine, Blaise tell him. But just don't go into too many details ok?"

Blaise smiled sympathetically at her, nodding his head slightly as Draco took his seat again for Blaise to tell the story. Blaise sat forward, adopting a serious look to his face. "They're both dead." He sat back and lifted his firewhiskey bottle to his mouth, taking a drink.

"That's it, I'm gonna kill him." Victoria snarled, jumping out of her seat and moving forward, trying to get to Blaise.

Draco shot up out of his seat, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her back. "Woah, girl. As amusing as it would be to see Blaise get bitch-slapped right now... Actually that's pretty convincing. Go, go get him..." He released her.

Blaise gave Draco a brief look which said; _what the fuck are you doing?_ Before he felt Frobisher's hand connect around his face, the loud sound caused by the flat of her palm hitting his cheek resonated throughout the room. Blaise held his head facing sideways for several seconds, biting on the inside of his cheek to stop him from lashing out.

"You ok mate?" Draco asked.

"Oh, I'm fine..." Blaise replied coldly. He stood up slowly, glaring down at Victoria, who suddenly decided, as she looked up at the intimidating frame of the six foot five man, that perhaps slapping him hadn't been the best of ideas. "Will you excuse us for a minute Draco?"

She swallowed, not able to react fast enough as Blaise grabbed her around the waist and placed her onto his shoulder, as if she weighted nothing. "Put me down!"

"Where the _hell_ do you think you're going?" Draco stared at Blaise.

"Upstairs, won't be long." Blaise replied, chirpily. He brought his left hand up and smacked Victoria's left bum cheek. "The very naughty girl here, needs disciplining."

She yelped as his hand connected with her flesh, realising what he meant, she began to protest, hitting his back with her fists. "No! Blaise, not now!"

"Oh my god." Draco looked at his friend in disbelief. "Please tell me you're kidding me? I am severely disturbed. You're thinking about your cock _now_?"

"Yes, indeed I am." Blaise smirked at his friend. "Come on, Frobisher. I am calling in that IOU."

"Blaise!" She was hitting him harder with her hands but, in spite of herself, she couldn't stop laughing. "This is not the time! Your friend is in need..."

"And nothing major is going to change in twenty minutes." Blaise said. "Now stop hitting me or you'll _really_ be in for it."

"I adamantly protest to this!" Draco said, moving in front of the door, trying to block Blaise from leaving. "You cannot be taking Frobisher upstairs to have sex with her because she slapped you."

"I can and I am." Blaise said. "You can come watch if you want..."

Draco moved out of Blaise's way at a speed he had never used before in his life.

"Blaise..." She tried to refrain from laughing and tried to make her voice sound like it was protesting more. "...I'm not in the mood."

"You will be by the time we get upstairs." Blaise smirked, heading out of the door to the library.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Draco said, flopping down into his chair and picking up the firewhiskey bottle. He should have known that Blaise would let his penis think for him in times of crisis. However, he still found the fact that his best friend was taking a Gryffindor upstairs over his shoulder, to have sex with, more than a little hard to stomach.

"_Draco couldn't believe he had been left alone..._"

"That's it!" Draco said, looking around the room. "Where's that letter opener? I'm going to slit my wrists..."

"_How could that beautiful, mysterious and tragic girl, like his best friend and not him...?_"

"Blaise can have her! I don't even _like_ her!"

"_He was sick with the thought that Blaise Zamboni might be kissing the beautiful Alyssa at that moment..._"

"It's Blaise_ ZABINI_, HE'S HAVING _SEX_ WITH_FROBISHER_ AND I DON'T CARE!"

"Draco..."

His head snapped round to the doorway, Blaise's mother stood with her Quill's & Moon book in one hand and Black Vodka glass in the other.

"Believe it or not, I might be _aware_ that my son allows his hormones to control him, but I do not need the fact advertised so _loudly_."

"S...sorry, Mrs Zabini." He stuttered, Blaise's mother scared him a little.

"It's getting late, if you're staying tonight, you had better owl your mother or she'll get worried." She said as she walked away from the door.

"I'll do it now..." He replied, thinking about the many ways he could inflict pain on Blaise for leaving him in this situation.

"_Draco watched the sexy woman leave, he was thinking about Alyssa, but Lucretia Zamboni was a beautiful woman as well..._"

"Good idea!" Draco snapped. "That's what I'll do to get him back for this, I'll have sex with his mum!"

* * *

Forty minutes has passed before Blaise and Victoria had returned to the library, Draco was having to bite his tongue to prevent from voicing his opinions on the sickening sight before him. Frobisher was sat sideways on Blaise's lap, her arm curled around the back of Blaise's head, her fingers tracing lightly up and down his neck whilst Blaise's hand was resting on her knee, his thumb tracing small circles on her skin.

"I thought you had a boyfriend." Draco said with slightly more bitterness than he had intended.

"I thought I was here to talk about my parents, not my love life." She replied.

"So did I, until your love life carried you upstairs for a quickie."

"Jealous much?"

"Not even marginally."

"We're not getting anywhere with this argument." Blaise interjected. "Do you want me to tell you about Frobisher's..."

She elbowed him.

"Ow! Victoria's parents or not?"

"Not bothered." Draco sniffed.

"Oh very mature." Blaise smirked. "Come on, mate."

"Alright, fine. Tell me about her sodding parents."

Victoria bent her neck, resting her head on Blaise's shoulder as he began to speak. "Her Father was killed in a freak accident about five years ago, her mother went missing about a year and a half ago and is_presumed_ dead."

"Big whoop."

"You're the one who wanted to know." Victoria said defensively.

"Well that's told me nothing. It hasn't helped at all, I've had to sit here and wait for you two to finish fucking for absolutely bugger all."

"It's not very nice to lose your parents, you know." She said.

"Oh Boo Hoo. What do you expect from me? Sympathy?"

She went to respond, but was stopped when Blaise shook his head. "Hang on, something's just clicked somewhere."

"The on-set of arthritis, hopefully." Draco muttered, folding his arms.

"Bugger off." Blaise said. "Look, this girl. She's saying that she's doing things when it's really Frob... Victoria, right? Well maybe she picked Victoria because she has a bit of a sad past and thinks she can get you by making you feel sorry for her."

"Well, she clearly doesn't know me very well if she thinks that..."

"That's exactly my point!" Blaise said, looking as if this revelation was the cleverest thing anyone had ever said. "She _doesn't_ know you well. It sounds like she doesn't know you at all. She's probably never met you, just seen you from a distance and decided that she fancies you."

"Wow... So, you mean all I have to do is talk to every girl I _don't_ know and eventually I'll figure out who it is that's torturing me? Well I have to say, that's genius, Blaise." Draco said bitterly.

"I'm only trying to help."

"Well try harder."

Blaise shook his head sadly. "Why don't we go to bed, mate? Try to make sense of this in the morning, eh?"

"Fine, whatever."

* * *

Draco lay in bed in his usual room in the Zabini mansion, every time he closed his eyes to try and sleep, he swore he could hear Frobisher giggling across the hall. It made him feel very nauseous to think that Blaise was at it again, although it didn't surprise him. He just wanted some peace of mind so he could slip off into a nice, quiet, drunken sleep.

"_Draco was pining away in his bed..._"

Draco screamed into his pillow.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Thanks go to Jonathan J Strange, snapefan2007 and of course, my uberly fabulous beta, Twiist. **

**I haven't got much to say about this chap really, though that's probably because I'm already trying to bash out the next one and get the game moving a little faster.**

**As usual, please R&R**


	5. Chapter 5 Alright 1000 Galleons!

**Disclaimer:**All characters, terms and places associated with Harry Potter belong JK Rowling. The concept of Stranger than Fiction belongs to Columbia Pictures. Which, in itself, borrows ideas from the book; The Comforters by Muriel Spark. I have never read this book, but read this piece of information on Wikipedia. The concept of Mary Sue's belongs to no one in particular. I did not invent them, or the idea of this story, it is merely my interpretation of what might happen in such a situation. I have no intention to infringe on any copyright; this fiction is written for pleasure not profit. All I own is the story and of course, the occasional OC. Don't send your lawyers after me; I have no money.

**Chapter 5 - Alright... 1000 Galleons!**

"_I exercise strong self control. _

_I never drink anything stronger _

_than gin before breakfast._."

_WC Fields_

* * *

"Just go do it. Don't argue with me." Blaise said, picking the mug of tea up from his breakfast tray and blowing on the warm liquid before taking a sip.

"But, Master Blaise..."

"What did I just say? Don't argue with me. Just do it."

"Master Blaise, please, Mister Draco said that if I did it again, he would cover me in peanut butter and throw me into an aviary." Barton said, almost dancing on his little feet.

"Listen, you defective, little git. Draco _might_ have said that, but if you don't go throw a big pot of cold water over him _right now_, I'll take you into the garden and bury you. This does not mean of course, that you will be dead when I start pouring the soil over your head." Blaise took another sip from his tea cup. "Go on, Barton. You can hide in the kitchen afterwards, Draco has no idea where one would find a kitchen." Blaise smirked, actually he was fairly sure that Draco did know where the kitchen was, but it was an easy enough way of convincing Barton.

"Alright yes, Master Blaise." With that, the elf cracked out of the room.

Victoria rolled over and opened her eyes, looking at Blaise through sleep-filled eyes. "Tea..." She croaked.

"You can have some if you sit up."

"Ugh." Slowly, she pulled herself up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with the heel of her hand and then leaning against Blaise for support. "Tea now."

"Ok, tea now." He said, smiling and handing her a mug from the breakfast tray.

"ARGH!" It was the sound of Draco's wake-up call. The scream was shortly followed by the thudding of footsteps careening down the hall and then the bedroom door being slammed into the wall as a dripping wet Draco stood there, seething. "Blaise! I am going to _kill_ you." Dressed only in his sodden boxer's, Draco pointed his wand at Blaise. "I can't believe you got that _faulty_ house elf of yours to pour water over me again!"

"Nothing to do with me." Blaise said calmly, sipping his tea. "He must have taken it upon himself to do it. You know what he's like, doesn't listen to a word we say."

"Somehow, I don't believe..." Draco shook his head in disbelief for a moment. "Oh for Merlin's sake, Frobisher! Cover yourself up! That's the last thing I need to see before breakfast." He held his hand up in front of his eyes, trying to block her from his vision.

Victoria looked down and giggled, pulling the covers over herself as she smiled at Blaise. "Oops. Sorry Draco."

"I'm going to get dressed, I suggest you do the same." Draco said as he turned and left Blaise's bedroom, returning to the one he had slept in.

"_Draco was heartbroken..._"

"Fuck off and go to sleep, I'm not awake enough yet to be tortured." He spoke to the voice, even though he knew she couldn't hear him.

"_The beautiful Alyssa was curled up in bed with his best friend, her long hair sprawled across his dark, sculpted chest, every strand shining brilliantly in the light. Did this mean that they had slept together...?_"

"Of course they bloody slept together you fool. It's _Blaise_, he's probably been up half the night, in both senses..." He looked around on impulse, checking to see whether Blaise's mother was there. Then he remembered, she was in the east wing and thankfully, they were in the west.

"_Draco had been feeling refreshed after his shower, his pale white skin was still gleaming with beads of water and he wrapped a towel around himself and shook out pale blonde hair..._"

"What bloody shower? What are you talking about? You..." He groaned. "You mean the bloody water that that idiotic elf threw over me, don't you? Merlin's beard, you're a complete nitwit." Draco shook his head and began to get dressed, looking over his shoulder every so often in a paranoid fashion, to make sure there wasn't really anyone in the room.

* * *

Draco was glad to see a fully-dressed-Frobisher, along with a fully dressed Blaise when he re-entered his friends bedroom. The last thing he believed he could cope with at that time in the morning was another sickening eyeful of Gryffindor-boob. Blaise was sat on his settee, Frobisher next to him, Draco elected to sit on the arm chair opposite.

"So, what are you two boys going to do today then?" Victoria asked, propping her feet up on the coffee table.

"Not sure, I was thinking about making a trip to Borgin & Burkes. You up for that today, mate?" Blaise said, raising a disapproving eyebrow as Draco reached for the decanter of firewhiskey. "Little early, isn't it?"

"Don't be a hypocrite." Draco shot his friend a look and poured himself a generous amount of firewhiskey into a glass. "Besides, _she's_ already been bothering me this morning, I need it." He picked up the glass and sipped some of the amber liquid. "Now, why would we be going to Borgin & Burkes exactly?"

Blaise sighed and shook his head a little. "Well, I think we established last night that we're both pretty clueless as to what you're going to do to sort this little problem out. And we got far too drunk to try and make any sense out of it, so Borgin & Burkes might be worth a try."

"What makes you think they can help when that Snelson bloke couldn't?" Draco asked.

"Absolutely nothing." Blaise replied. "But it's better than sitting in here, moping and drinking firewhiskey."

"Fine, but I'm not going anywhere with Frobisher. The most heinous offence intended, Frobisher." Draco said, turning towards Victoria and smirking slightly.

"Oh, fuck off, Draco."

* * *

The two boys aparated into Diagon Alley, putting their wands away before silently agreeing to move on to Knockturn, without drawing too much attention.

"I hope to Merlin, that Borgin's in today." Blaise said, as he and Draco ducked their heads into the darkly lit street.

"Why? Is Burke still pissed off about you shagging his niece?" Draco smirked.

"Yep." Blaise glanced into the windows of the shop and sighed with relief. "It's Borgin, thank Merlin. Come on then." He motioned for Draco to follow him as he stepped inside the dusty shop.

Draco followed in closely behind Blaise, walking up to the counter and trying not to look at the various interesting looking objects lining the walls.

"Mr Borgin, good to see you again." Blaise smiled at the man behind the counter.

"Mr Zabini, come to make snide remarks about our cleaner again?" Borgin said, looking thoroughly displeased to see the dark skinned wizard before him.

Blaise made a small, but clearly fake chuckle. "Yes, sorry about that. Actually we're here today to talk about cursed objects, I thought you would be the man to talk to." Blaise said, quickly trying to change the subject. He had forgotten that the last time he had been in the shop, he had been complaining loudly about the unkempt state of the place.

"Well I am somewhat of an expert, I suppose." Borgin murmured. "What seems to be the problem?"

"It's a cursed book, that's the problem." Blaise said, pointing to Draco. "My friend here read it and now he has a narrator following him everywhere."

"Your _friend_ read this cursed book, eh?" Borgin looked at Draco and then back to Blaise, stroking his chin as he seemed to consider this, although he wore a curious look, it seemed like he didn't completely believe what Blaise was telling him. "Well, where is this cursed book?"

"Er..." Blaise looked at Draco, who just shrugged his shoulders slightly. "It's been misplaced, we don't have it anymore."

"No book? Then sorry, I can't help you."

"Oh come on, Borgin!" Draco looked at the shop keeper. "You must be able to figure something from the description? It's a book, it was cursed and now I have a voice in my head. Surely you could figure out what _kind_ of curse it was at least."

"Curses are tricky things, Mr Malfoy. Without the book, I can't help you."

"How about if I had 500 Galleons, instead of the book?"

"Mr Malfoy, I am cannot help you. It's not a matter of the money..."

"Alright... 1000 Galleons!" Draco said, looking at Borgin seriously.

"No, Mr Malfoy. I'm sorry." Borgin smiled at him, his grey teeth appearing through his lips, turning the smile into an obvious sneer.

Draco growled under his breath. "Come on, Blaise. There's no help here." Draco turned and stormed out of the shop, leaving Blaise to mumble some apology's and follow after him.

"What now then?" Blaise asked as he caught up with Draco.

"How am I supposed to know? You're the idea's man, although all your ideas so far have mainly involved drinking and fucking Frobisher." Draco replied, giving Blaise a disgruntled look.

"Well, my next idea involves a trip to the knocking shop. It's only round the corner."

"The knocking shop?" Draco looked puzzled. "What the hell can they do at the knocking shop?"

"Give us the pleasurable company of a couple of nice looking birds for the afternoon?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Blaise!" Draco shook his head, rolling his eyes. "It's only half past eleven and _already_ you're wanting a random shag? Didn't Frobisher satisfy you last night?" He smirked. "Wow, I almost said that like I was talking about a _real_ woman there... Do Forgive me..."

Blaise laughed at Draco. "She did satisfy me actually, twice if I'm being honest. But we didn't have time this morning and since we're only round the corner, we might as well."

"It amazes me that someone who gets as much pussy as you do, still goes to prostitutes." Draco said in disbelief.

"They are uncomplicated." Blaise said, matter of factly. "Come on, it'll be my treat, it'll relax you."

"I hardly think it's a conducive way to solve the problem of; the disembodied voice in Draco's head."

"Well you can go home if you want and I'll come round in a few hours." Blaise smirked.

"Alright, I'll come." Draco sighed. "But just to drink."

Blaise laughed and slapped his friend hard on the back. "Suits me, mate. You drink, I'll fuck, then maybe we can go for a nice lunch in the three broomsticks."

"There's something _seriously_ wrong with you, mate..."

* * *

Blaise staggered out of the door of the knocking shop, his trousers round his ankles, attempting to pull them up and walk at the same time. He glared at Draco who followed him out of the door a few seconds later, doubled over in pain from laughing.

"Ok, what the fuck happened?" Blaise said angrily. "One minute I'm elbow deep in pussy, the next I'm being chucked out."

Draco held his side, in pain from laughing so hard. "I might have made a few colourful remarks about the cliental..."

"Draco!" Blaise managed to get his trousers pulled up to his waist and fastened them. "If you keep making obnoxious comments, every time we go there, they aren't going to let us come back."

"Than stop bringing me!"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**UBER special thanks go to my Beta, Twiist, without whom, this chapter would have happened, but wouldn't have been half as amusing. (Well it amused me at least...)**

**Thanks also go to snapefan2007 and Jonathan J Strange, who keep reviewing, even though my scattiness is clearly increasing as this fic goes on...**


	6. Chapter 6 Kiss My Arse, Baldie

**Disclaimer:**All characters, terms and places associated with Harry Potter belong JK Rowling. The concept of Stranger than Fiction belongs to Columbia Pictures. Which, in itself, borrows ideas from the book; The Comforters by Muriel Spark. I have never read this book, but read this piece of information on Wikipedia. The concept of Mary Sue's belongs to no one in particular. I did not invent them, or the idea of this story, it is merely my interpretation of what might happen in such a situation. I have no intention to infringe on any copyright; this fiction is written for pleasure not profit. All I own is the story and of course, the occasional OC. Don't send your lawyers after me; I have no money.

**Chapter 6 - Kiss My Arse, Baldie**

"_The best way I know of to win an argument_

_is to start by being in the right..."_

_Lord Hailsham_

* * *

Blaise stepped out of the fireplace into his library, brushing the dust from his clothes as he waited for the green flames to erupt and reveal a still laughing Draco stood in the fireplace only seconds later.. "It's not funny you, wanker."

Draco chuckled and sat down in an armchair, reaching for a bottle of firewhiskey. "No, it's not funny; its hilarious."

Blaise sat down in his own chair, glaring at his friend. "I hope that that voice inside your head drives you crazy. I really do."

"Oh, fuck off." Draco smirked. "You're just pissed off that you got interrupted mid-fuck. Don't worry, I'm sure you can get your _Gryffinwhore_, to come back tonight and give you a good servicing." Draco wrinkled his nose. "Ugh, I actually feel sick now."

"Can't you leave it alone, just once?" Blaise reached into his pocket and pulled out a hip flask, unscrewing the cap he took a sip. "Besides, she's not a whore."

"She has a boyfriend, she's fucking you on the side _and_ she's a Gryffindor. That equals whore in my brain." Draco narrowed his eyes slightly. "You're problem is that you've gone soft, mate. Look, fuck her one last time, get her out of your system, then stop shagging her! I'm doing this for you're own good, mate."

"Just shut up and wipe that smarmy grin off your face before I come over there and wipe it off for you."

"Touchy are we? Don't like being told the way it is, Blaise? Don't like being reminded that what... Oh, I'm sorry _who_ you're doing is sick and disgusting?" Draco sat back and smirked.

"I know what you're doing." Blaise said through gritted teeth. "You're winding me up because you're pissed off that you haven't thought of anything to get you out of this mess." He took another sip from his flask. "Truth is, Draco. For the first time in your life, you can't buy your way out of a situation, you're actually having to use your brain and that's in pretty poor condition, due to neglect and lack of use."

Draco narrowed his eyes at his friend. "You're getting very close to starting something, Zabini. You sure it's something you can finish?"

Blaise pushed himself out of his seat, standing in front of his friend and glaring down at him. He knew his, brick shit house, frame could be intimidating in close proximity. "I'm pretty sure that I could your face as a punching bag and my arm wouldn't even get tired."

Draco pushed himself out his chair as well, squaring up to his friend. "I'd like to test that theory."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Boys!" The two young men snapped their heads around, seeing Blaise's mother in the doorway, pointing her wand at both of them. "Please tell me that you are not about to start fighting."

Blaise glared down at Draco. "It's nothing, Mum. We were just having a bit of a heated debate."

Draco narrowed his eyes at Blaise. "Yeah, Mrs Zabini, we were talking about Gobstones versus quidditch again."

Lucretia rolled her eyes. "Well if you must have that argument, _again_, then try to have it quietly." She turned away from the door.

"Good thinking." Draco said, still glaring up at Blaise.

"Well you know, I'm the brains, the looks, the brawn... You're merely the _financier_..." Blaise smirked at his friend and didn't duck intime as Draco swung his fist and cracked Blaise on the underside of his chin, causing him to throw his head back and stumble a little. Blaise rubbed the underside of his chin and narrowed his eyes at Draco. "You're going to regret that, _mate._"

"_Draco laughed at his friend, he threw s scathing remark in his direction: Well, Blaise, at least I don't smell..."_

"What? When did you start talking for me? I never said that. And I hardly call it scath..."

Blaise swung his fist and connected it with the side of Draco's head, he hadn't been prepared, distracted by the voice. Draco stumbled into the coffee table, knocking off a bottle of firewhiskey which smashed on the carpet. Draco held the side of his head with his hand. "Fucker!"

Draco threw his fist into Blaise's ribs, Blaise threw his into Draco's stomach, both boys continued to swing their fists at one another, until a shout came from the doorway. "Expulso!" The spell hit them both, knocking them clean off their feet. "I _knew_ the pair of you couldn't be trusted." Blaise and Draco exchanged a look before turning their attention to the furious form of Lucretia Zabini, who was stood, hands on hips and looking particularly furious.

"Mum..."

"I don't want to hear it!" Lucretia crossed the room, grabbing hold of Draco's chin and holding onto it hard, she turned his head from one side to the other, inspecting his face. "I think you're going to have a black eye, Draco." She released her grip on his face and then turned her attention to her son, "Have you seen what you have done to Draco? The two of you are supposed to be friends."

"But, Mum..."

"Mrs Zabini, it's not all Blaise's fault." Draco said.

Blaise looked at him in surprise and raising an eyebrow.

Lucretia shook her head and threw her arms up in frustration. "I give up with you two, I really do. I'll send Barton in clean up those bruises."

"Aw, Mum..."

Lucretia glared at her son. "Do _you_ want to explain to Draco's mother how he got a black eye?"

"No." Blaise pouted.

"Then don't complain."

Lucretia swept from the room, leaving the two boys sat on their backsides in the library. Blaise looked at Draco and held his hand out. "Friends?"

Draco smiled and shook Blaise's hand. "Course we are, you daft git."

Blaise pushed himself up off the floor and offered a hand out to help Draco up. "That was a blinding punch you cracked me with, mate."

Draco got to his feet and rubbed his stomach. "Well that one you gave me before your mum came in really knocked the wind out of me."

"You know if you worked on your upper body strength a little more, you probably could cracked a few of my ribs, without even trying."

"Oh, sod off." Draco smirked. "I have no desire to walk about, flexing muscles all day so that my shirt can rip to impress all the girls."

"One time, that happened." Blaise smirked. "You need a haircut."

Draco laughed at his friend. "Kiss my arse, baldie."

"I would if I could find it, you need to work on your glutes."

Draco raised his eyebrow slightly. "The fact that you have even looked in the vague direction of my arse, disturbs me greatly."

* * *

_**Five hours later...**_

"But you know, mate, you _know_..." Draco slurred, half slumped over the table in the Hogshead. "She_ told_ me. She didn't ask me, she _told_ me."

"I know, I know, mate." Blaise was nodding his head rapidly in agreement, knocking back another glass of firewhiskey. "You know... you know what, mate? _You_ should have told _her_..."

"I know, mate." Draco chinked his glass against Blaise's. "Women... women..." Draco couldn't remember what he had been trying to say and just waved his hand with a generally dismissive gesture. "Pscht! You understand, don't you, mate?"

Blaise nodded his head slowly, grabbing the bottle of firewhiskey and refilling both their glasses, managing only to spill a couple of measures onto the table as he did so. "I understand, mate. There's only me who understands you know."

"I know, mate." Draco took another long drink from his glass, then picked up the firewhiskey bottle and moved it back and forth, squinting his eyes, trying to bring it into focus. "We're running low, mate."

"We are?" Blaise squinted his eyes at the bottle. "Your right, there's not even half a bottle left. And you know what?"

"What's that, mate?"

"I don't even feel drunk." Blaise picked up his glass, taking another swig. "I'm not you know, I'm not even drunk."

Draco nodded his head, agreeing with his friend. "I know, mate. We're not even drunk. I mean, you're not drunk, I'm not drunk. Not even tipsy, we're not." Draco looked puzzled for a moment, he was sure something he had said there was wrong, but he couldn't remember what he had said. "Go get more drink, mate."

"Ok, ok." Blaise nodded his head and pushed himself out of his seat, standing for a few seconds, he managed to gain his balance before taking several slow steps to the bar. "There's something wrong with this floor, like. It's all gone wonky."

Aberforth stood behind the bar, looking particularly bored and shaking his head in disapproval as the young, dark skinned wizard, struggled to make it to the bar. He watched as Blaise placed his hands on the bar to steady himself and furrowed his brow. "Don't you think, you've both had enough, Blaise?" Aberforth asked.

"No." Blaise replied, pushing himself up into a straighter position. "Cos, you see, Aberforth, we aren't even drunk." He pointed between himself and Draco quickly. "So, we want another bottle of firewhiskey, because we're not even drunk, you see."

"_Draco sat back in his chair, his hair hanging in the sculpted features of his face, looking dead sexy to all the women in the bar... _"

"What? What are you saying? I don't know what you're saying. Say it again." Draco spoke out loud to the voice.

"_He looked so cool sat in the bar and even though he had drunk a couple of glasses of firewhiskey, he wasn't even tipsy..._"

"I've had more than a couple of glasses love!" Draco laughed to himself and then, highly amused by his own comment, started to chuckle deeply from his belly and banging his fist on the table.

Aberforth pointed to Draco. "Look, he's so drunk, he's bloody talking to himself. Go home, son." Aberforth said, picking up a cloth and wiping down the bar. "I have to put my goats to bed and no doubt your mothers we will be wondering where you are."

"Pscht!" Draco flew his hand into the air before taking another drink from his glass. "Our mothers, pscht! Our mother's don't _care_ about where we are. Our mothers... pscht!"

"Yes." Blaise said, nodding his head in agreement. "They don't care you see, because we're old enough to go out and besides that, we're not drunk."

Draco shook his head. "Nope, not drunk."

"Well, I'm closing the pub, anyway. So you're going to have to leave." Aberforth came out from behind the bar and grabbed Blaise by the shoulder, guiding him into the fireplace. "There you go, Blaise."

"Hey where are you..." Draco tried to ask, but was cut off by being lifted out his seat by Aberforth and shoved him into the fireplace, alongside Blaise. "You can't do this, we have a tab!"

"And I'm sure you'll pay it off at the end of month, but you're still going home." Aberforth picked up a handful of floo powder and threw it into the fire. "Malfoy Manor."

"No!" Draco shouted as the green flames rose up around him and Blaise, although it was too late, when the green flames died away, they were faced with the parlour of the Malfoy Manor. Draco held on Blaise's elbow, trying to keep himself aloft as Blaise placed his hand on the side of the fireplace to steady himself. Draco looked at Blaise, he knew there was no chance they could just escape from this, they would have to say _something_ to his parents, who were sat with bemused expressions as the two boys held each other up inside the fireplace.

"The wanderer returns!" Lucius Malfoy said, sipping from a glass of firewhiskey.

"_Lucius._" Narcissa scolded. "Did you have a good time at Blaise's, darling? Has Blaise come to stay the night?"

In a unison motion, the boys tried to step out of the fireplace, Blaise missed his footing and slipped, Draco lost his balance and followed him, leaving the both of them sat on the floor, groaning.

"Narcissa, I believe that your son is drunk." Lucius smirked, taking another drink from his glass.

Narcissa glared at her husband. "When he's in that state, he's _your_ son."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Special thankses go to Twiist, who AWWW-ed at a particular drunken reference that I put in just for her. **

**Thanks also go to, Jonathan J Strange, snapefan2007 (who probably didn't get a chance to review yet) and red-gummi-bear75. Do I get another cookie?**


	7. Chapter 7 We never speak of this again

**Disclaimer:**All characters, terms and places associated with Harry Potter belong JK Rowling. The concept of Stranger than Fiction belongs to Columbia Pictures. Which, in itself, borrows ideas from the book; The Comforters by Muriel Spark. I have never read this book, but read this piece of information on Wikipedia. The concept of Mary Sue's belongs to no one in particular. I did not invent them, or the idea of this story, it is merely my interpretation of what might happen in such a situation. I have no intention to infringe on any copyright; this fiction is written for pleasure not profit. All I own is the story and of course, the occasional OC. Don't send your lawyers after me; I have no money.

**Chapter 7 - We never speak of this again **

"_Fiction is an act of revenge_.

_John Hawkes_

* * *

"Owww..." Draco held his hand against his head. "Oh, it hurts. Close the curtains." 

Blaise groaned and covered his face with a pillow. "I can't move... The light is burning my retinas."

"It serves you both, right. You'll get no sympathy from me." Narcissa opened the window in Draco's bedroom. "Now it's time to get up, it's 8 o'clock."

"Nooo... Too early... Sleep..." Draco pulled his covers over his head.

Narcissa shook her head with a sigh and then moved over to the sofa Blaise was laid on, pulling the pillow from his head. "Up!"

Blaise groaned, trying to cover his with his arms. "Ugh, please just kill me..."

She moved over to her son's bed, pulling the covers off his head and staring down at him. "You have ten minutes to come downstairs or I'm sending your Father up."

Blaise sat bolt upright, giving his friend a slightly worried look before stumbling off the sofa, hobbling as fast as he could in the direction of the bathroom. "That was a bad idea... I'm gonna be sick..."

"Ten minutes." Narcissa reiterated to her son before shaking her head slightly and walking towards the door. "Blaise, try to get it _in_ the toilet!" With that she left Draco's bedroom, leaving both boys to groan with agony from their hangovers. 

"_Draco awoke bright and early, ready to face the day, a spring in his step and a smile on his face, he felt like the whole world was singing to him, the sun was bright and the sky was bright and the birds were singing to him as well, he wanted to go outside and run with the birds and scoop all the flowers from the garden up into his arms..._"

Draco screamed. 

* * *

The boys stood outside the dining room, holding each other up, Blaise looked at Draco. "Alright, let's get one thing sorted. Let's make this as brief as possible, half a cup of water, claim we're not hungry, but we're going out, then we can go back to my house and go back to bed." He paused, scrunching his face up. "Well I'll be going to _my_ bed..."

"Goes without saying, mate..."

"_Draco smiled at Blaise, he liked the thought of going back to bed with Blaise. He liked the idea a lot. All he could think about now was climbing back into the warm bed with Blaise... _"

"Blaise, kill me. I mean it, kill me."

"Don't be daft, mate, couple of minutes then we can spend the rest of the day recuperating, let's just get it over with." Blaise slowly pushed open the door, wincing as it creaked loudly. He walked to the chair set out for him as quickly as he could, almost collapsing into it. Draco sat next to him a few moments later. 

"SO!" Lucius said loudly, smirking as both boys groaned and clutched their heads. "What are your plans for today?"

Blaise held his head as Lucius' voice resounded through the room.

"Don't-know." Draco reached for the glass of water in front of him, raising it to his mouth and taking several large gulps. 

"Well, I'm sure you'll think of something." Lucius picked up a small, glass bell on the table and rang it. 

Draco and Blaise groaned. 

"Hmm, I don't believe he heard that." Lucius reached behind him and picked up a large brass bell and rang it using the full force of his arm. "SCUTTLE!"

Draco and Blaise held their hands over their ears in agony until Lucius stopped ringing the bell. Blaise folded his arms on the table and buried his head, he gave up caring about table manners. Draco held his hand over his mouth, he felt like he was going to sick all over the table. 

"I can't take it!" Blaise wailed. "Make it stop, I'll do anything!"

"_The happy sound of bells, made Draco's heart skip with delight._"

"Kill me!" Shouted Draco, folding his own arms on the table and hiding his head inside them.

"Do you know, I feel like putting some music on." Said Lucius. "Something loud, with lots of drums."

Blaise started sobbing.

"Alright, that's enough. You can both go back to bed." Narcissa said, the boys needed no more prompting, they both fled from the room as fast as they could. She shook her head and looked at her husband, who was smirking broadly. "You are a sadist, Lucius Malfoy."

"Well it was your idea."

* * *

_**Several hours later...**_

Draco opened his eyes and recoiled in horror.

"_Draco opened his eyes and smiled, he was happy at last, being wrapped in the arms of someone who loved him more than anything, he only wished it was Alyssa and not Blaise who held him closely to his body close..._"

"Blaise-get-the-hell-off-me-now!"

Blaise opened his eyes, then lay frozen in shock. He his arms wound tightly around his best friend and had hooked his leg over Draco's. He did not want to know if he had woken up with the morning, horn, that would be beyond disturbing.

"LET ME GO!"

Blaise pushed Draco away, both boys sat up in the bed, looking at each other in horror. 

"We never speak of this again."

"Agreed."

* * *

"What am I going to do then?" Draco asked as he threw a stone across the pond at the back of the Malfoy Manor. 

"Don't ask me, mate." Blaise said, plucking a piece of grass from the ground and rolling it in his fingers. "I'm out of ideas."

"First thing that comes to your head, I don't care how stupid."

"This is insane, why don't you just tell your dad?"

"Ok, I draw the line at ideas, that stupid." Draco said, picking up another stone. "My father would have me locked up in St Mungo's if I told him I was hearing voices."

"Well, not if you explain it properly."

"It's a bad plan. Next idea."

Blaise sighed, rolling his eyes and throwing his arms up in frustration. "I don't sodding know, it's your head that's being haunted. Why don't you fly to sodding, bloody, bollocking, Crimdon Dene and go beat her over the head with something blunt and heavy?"

Draco looked at Blaise, a smile spreading across his face. "You're a fucking, genius."

"I was _joking,_ you fucking idiot." 

"No,_think_ about it, we can go get the book, then burn it and then maybe string this girl up by her toenails and take turns in sticking pointy objects into her body." Draco's face was filled with glee.

"And then what, oh barmy one?"

"Then she'll stop talking in my head, cos she'll be dead."

Blaise shook his head. "Alright then, off you pop, I'll just wait for you here."

"Blaise, your coming with me."

"You want _me_, to _fly_ to _Crimdon_ fucking_ Dene_, to attempt to find a girl, who may or may not be the voice in your head?"

"Yes."

"Right then, I'm going to tell your dad, that you've lost it." Blaise stood up.

"The only place you're going, mate, is Crimdon Dene." Draco said, standing in front of his friend.

"I can't fly."

"Yes you can."

"No, I can't. I lied."

"Then why do you have that SwiftStick in your wardrobe, that you think I don't know about?"

"Bollocks. I knew I should have hid that under the bed."

"What, with your collection of knickers, that belong to women you've slept with?"

"Have you been going through my room?"

"Ugh! I was joking, you're one sick cunt, you know that?"

Both boys started laughing.

"How you talked me into this, I'll never know." Blaise said, as he mounted the SwiftStick.

"With the power of my charming personality." Said Draco, mounting his Nimbus 2001. 

"Again, I repeat the statement."

"Just shut up, will you?"

Blaise smirked and kicked off from the ground, following Draco as he took to the air. "Just follow close behind me." Draco said, turning his broom. 

"Do you even know where Crimdon Dene, is? It's bloody, up north."

"I know." Draco grinned. "We can go get a lemon top."

"What the fuck's a lemon top? You've gone mental, you have." Blaise pulled up next to Draco as they began to rise up, above the clouds so they wouldn't be seen.

"My mother told me about them, apparently she was quite partial to them, you can only get them in the north."

"When we land, I'm going to start hitting you and I shan't stop until you start speaking sense again."

Draco laughed. 

They spent the rest of the journey in relative silence, Blaise following Draco closely until they began to come down from the clouds, landing on a deserted beach.

"What are we going to do with the brooms?" Blaise asked as he dismounted his SwiftStick. 

Draco shrugged. "Shrink 'em and put them in our pockets?"

"Good a plan as any, I suppose." Blaise pulled his wand from his pocket and pointed it at his broom, casting reducio until it was small enough to slip inside his trouser pocket. He smirked as Draco did the same and turned to face him. "Hey Draco, is that a broomstick in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "How long have you been waiting to say that?"

"About ten minutes."

Draco chuckled a little. "Alright then, what now?"

"What do you mean, what now? This was your plan, you can't just wave your wand in the air and shout; Accio stupid voice."

Draco considered this for half a second, then dismissed it. "Well, I thought that you might have thought of something on the way up here."

"_Draco looked into the eyes of the large black wizard, who he had spent the night with, his eyes were almost black, he had no hair, but his head was especially shiny and his body, his body rippled with muscles, which Draco thought were rather nice..._"

"Argh!" Draco slammed his hands over his ears. "She bloody wants me to be gay now, I wish she'd bloody make up her mind."

"_Draco thought of Alyssa, the way her hair swung softly in the breeze..._"

"Hang on a minute." Draco took his hands off his ears, looking around in surprise. "She's louder. That's what we can do, we can follow the voice."

"Well, how are you going to get the voice to talk?" Blaise asked, following after Draco as he ran up the dunes and off the beach.

"I don't know, I usually don't try to provoke her, she usually chimes in when I'm doing something..." He turned and looked at Blaise. "I know how I can get her to say something..."

"Really? How? Wait... Why are you looking at me like that...?"

"Look, mate, I need a favour..."

"Oh no! No, no, no, no!" Blaise started backing up, holding his hands up in protest. "I know what you're thinking and no, not that. There's got to be something else, how about I hit you? That sounds like a much better plan to me."

"It'll only be for a second. You can pretend I'm a better looking version of Frobisher."

"No, Draco, you've lost it. You're not gay!"

"No, but the voice banged on for ages this morning, I think she likes that sort of stuff."

"_Draco looked into his eyes, he imagined feeling his lips against Blaise's..._"

"There!" Draco said. "She just said something again, come on mate, I need to get her to talk for a long time and I think this will do it."

"Do you even realise what you are saying? You can't be asking this, it's just... wrong!"

"Just shut up and let me kiss you... And never, ever tell anyone I said that."

"Draco!" Blaise held his hands up, walking backwards, he stopped as his back hit something, he half turned to see what it was and couldn't stop Draco as he grabbed his shirt and pulled him towards him, giving him a quick peck on the mouth. "Bleargh!"

"BLEARGH!"

Both boys started spitting and wiping their mouths with the backs of their hands. Blaise pointed at Draco. "Don't you EVER..."

"Shut up, shut up." Draco said, waving his hand at Blaise. "She's saying something..."

"_Draco's heart skipped a beat..._"

"Right follow me!" Shouted Draco, running off towards a lot of plastic buildings. 

"When we get home, we're going to have a very _long_ discussion about this!" Blaise said, chasing after him. 

"_He had finally kissed Blaise, it wasn't Alyssa, the one he truly wanted for his own, but if he could turn Blaise into a gay, then he wouldn't want Alyssa anymore and he could have Blaise to himself..._"

Draco reached a sign, reading it, he quirked his eyebrow. "Caravan Park...?" He looked at Blaise who was coming up behind him. "She must be in here, somewhere, it keeps getting louder."

"Well hurry up and find her before you have to do something again, that will force me to punch you."

"_Draco thought about the way Blaise's lips felt, so soft and sensual, the way Blaise's tongue had crept inside his mouth..._"

"He never did that, you lying bitch!"

"Shut up you idiot, I don't care what she's saying, just follow the sound." Blaise said as he and Draco, ran past several caravans. Blaise wondered what kind of muggle would choose to live in a plastic house.

"_The way Blaise's hand had grabbed his hair and pulled it hard, that had made Draco get hard..._"

"When I find her, I'm going to kill her..."

"_Draco wanted to push Blaise to the floor and make love to him right there on the floor, their two bodies connected together on the floor as they made love on the floor..._"

"I'm going to take great pleasure, in killing this bitch..." Draco stopped as Blaise grabbed his sleeve, pointing to a yellow caravan, that had flowers painted all around the sides. 

The words: _Mary Sue_, were painted in a fancy scrawl, next to the door. 

Draco ran as fast as his feet could carry him, Blaise following a few footsteps behind. He grabbed hold of the door handle and slammed the door open, pointing his wand, before standing there, mouth wide open in shock. 

Blaise ran up behind him, banging into Draco's body. "Ooph! Why did you stop?" Blaise peered into the caravan as Draco took a few steps inside, his mouth dropping open in equal shock to Draco. 

"You?" Draco said, in utter disbelief. 

"Me. Took you long enough to get here."

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**Couldn't resist ending this one on a cliffie. Hehe.**

**I'd like to thank, Jonathan J Strange, red-gumm-bear75, snapefan2007, Ms.WrightingFantasy, Angel of Music Lover and Hysteria and Choas for all their lovely reviews. They made me giggle. **

**Hope you guys liked this chapter, sorry it took longer than usual, I took a little break to write a rather long one-shot that I am currently waiting for my beta to return to me. (Hint, hint, sug. ;) )**


	8. Chapter 8 She Really is a Whore

**Disclaimer:**All characters, terms and places associated with Harry Potter belong JK Rowling. The concept of Stranger than Fiction belongs to Columbia Pictures. Which, in itself, borrows ideas from the book; The Comforters by Muriel Spark. I have never read this book, but read this piece of information on Wikipedia. The opening lines are an homage to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which is the intellectual property of Joss Whedon. The concept of Mary Sue's belongs to no one in particular. I did not invent them, or the idea of this story, it is merely my interpretation of what might happen in such a situation. I have no intention to infringe on any copyright; this fiction is written for pleasure not profit. All I own is the story and of course, the occasional OC. Don't send your lawyers after me; I have no money.

**Chapter 8 - She Really is a Whore**

"_When a man steals your wife_

_there is no better revenge than to let him keep her..."_

_Sacha Guitry_

* * *

"What? How? What?" Draco spluttered. 

"Three excellent questions." Said Blaise, raising his eyebrow at the person before him. 

"You're telling me that between the two of you, you didn't figure it out? Then again, you two were never really brightest pair were you?"

"Hey, I resent that." Said Blaise.

"If I were you, I would keep my mouth shut. After all, it is _your_ fault that your friend here is suffering the punishment meant for you."

"What? I don't understand..." Blaise looked at Draco, bewildered.

They heard the sound of footsteps behind them, Draco and Blaise turned their heads, pointing their wands at the door. 

"Ah, our guests have arrived, I see."

"Oh great big, blithering, bollocks." Blaise said as the two men entered through the door. "I think I just worked it out."

"Good for you, Mr Zabini. I had begun to think we would have to draw you a large, diagram." Mr Snelson said, pulling his wand from his pocket. 

"I would put your wands down, boys." Said Burke, drawing his own wand. "Believe me when I say you are quite out numbered."

"What are you talking about?" Said Draco, unsure of what was going on. "There are only three of you we could..."

Blaise placed his hand on Draco's wand arm and lowered it. "Actually, mate, if I'm right, there's probably more than three of them."

"Five points to, Zabini." Smirked Oliver Wood, who had drawn his wand, pointing it at the boys. "Still confused, Malfoy? Maybe your little boyfriend should fill you in."

Blaise sighed, then looked to Draco. "He's right, it _is_ my fault."

"What? I'm going to kill you!" Draco launched himself at Blaise, Oliver took hold of Draco and dragged him back, Burke and Snelson pointed their wands at Blaise's throat. "Just tell me what the_fuck_ is going on!"

"It was a simple plan really." Said the eldery bookshop owner, keeping his wand pointing at Blaise's throat. "We just hadn't factored you into things, Mr Malfoy."

"It was never about you, Mr Malfoy." Burke said, narrowing his eyes at Blaise, while he addressed Draco. "You were just a victim of circumstances."

"Will you all stop speaking in riddles and just tell me what the hell you've done?" Draco said, pulling his arms free of Oliver's grip. 

"We were _trying _to teach, Zabini a lesson." Oliver said, pointing his wand at Draco. "So maybe he'd learn to keep his _filthy_, man-whore, cock, inside his trousers for a change."

Draco narrowed his eyes at Blaise. "I _knew_ this would catch up with you, one day. I _told_ you all that fucking around was going to get you into trouble!"

"Yes, well I bloody know that now, don't I!" Said Blaise. 

"You couldn't keep it in your boxers long enough, could you? You just had to fuck anything with a pair of tits that came your way, didn't you?"

"I'll thank you, Malfoy, to keep your opinions to yourself, when it comes to the matter of who Zabini has been fucking." Oliver said, narrowing his eyes at Draco.

Everything clicked. "Oh my good god." Draco slapped his forehead. "I just worked it out."

"About time." Said Oliver. 

Draco looked at Burke and Snelson and smirked. "I bet your both sick with yourselves aren't you? Snelson, Blaise has been fucking your granddaughter, isn't that right?"

Snelson frowned deeply, his old voice breaking a little as he spoke. "She was in love with books before she met him, now all she does is pine away, waiting for the days he decides to grace her with his presence."

"Or stick his cock inside her?"

"Don't you talk about her like that!" Snelson snarled. 

Draco smirked. "You, Burke, your niece was fucking Blaise for months, before she realised he was never going to stop fucking _other_ people and gave up on him, wasn't she?"

Burke scowled. "He broke her heart!"

"Oh please! Every girl in Hogwarts knew that if you wanted sex, you went to Blaise, if you wanted a relationship, you found somebody else." 

Blaise gave Draco a look as if to say: _What-the-fuck-are-you-doing? They-have-wands-at-my-throat!_

"In fact, in all the years I've known him, the one person Blaise has come _close_ to having a relationship with..." He turned, smirking broadly at Oliver. "is Frobisher, your girlfriend. As much as it sickens me to say it, I've dreaded for years what might happen between them, you know, actually have a _real_ relationship, well as real as you could have with Frobisher."

"Shut up, Malfoy!"

"Oh, Frobisher's been screwing with Blaise's head... Well both his heads..." Draco smirked, enjoying the look of anger of Oliver's face. "...Since we were in fifth year. She's always had boyfriends, but she keeps coming back to him. I wonder why it is?"

"Shut up!"

"You know what? I think I owe Blaise an apology, for years he's been telling me how _good_ he is in bed. Well there must be some truth to that, after all, she keeps coming back, no _other_ man must be able to satisfy her, like he can."

Oliver glared. "I said, shut your..."

Draco smirked, continuing on his rant. "But Frobisher's different to all the other girls, Blaise sleeps with. _She's_ the one who keeps coming back to _him_. Even though, and correct me if I'm wrong here, Blaise, she's almost always been the one with a boyfriend. The difference between Frobisher and the other girls, is that she really is a _whore..._"

Oliver pointed his wand at Draco...

Draco saw the look in Oliver's eyes and knew what was going to happen. "Duck, Blaise!" The boys hit the floor, covering their heads as the curses started flying out of Oliver's wand, hitting Snelson and Burke, by mistake.

* * *

"Then what happened?"

"Well... Ow! That stings!" Draco winced as Victoria Frobisher applied some cream to the large cut on his shoulder, he couldn't believe he had allowed her Gryffindor hands to tend to his wound.

"Well stop moving about then, you're the ones who asked me to come over, I've not fully qualified as a healer yet. Finish telling me what happened."

"Well, I put a full body-bind on, Wood. Snelson and Burke were out cold, so we didn't have to worry about them, we just had to get the information we needed."

"When you think about it, it was quite a clever little plan they had concocted." Blaise said, picking up a bottle of firewhiskey with his left hand, only to be left pouting as Victoria snatched it away from him. "Hey... I was only going to have a sip..."

"There's no such thing as a sip when it comes to you, besides which, I've given you some painkiller potions, you shouldn't be drinking while you've taken them."

Blaise grumbled under his breath, he could still hear the pop his shoulder had made when she had put it back into place. 

"Do you want to hear this story, Frobisher or not?"

"Alright, I'm listening."

"Well, we made him explain the whole thing, how he, Burke and Snelson had got together to curse the book. It had been Wood's idea, he'd infused it with you're hair so it would focus in on you."

"Creepy little fucker." Frobisher said, handing Draco a pain relief potion. 

"_Anyway_, Snelson got the book, apparently it _was_ just some muggle girls diary, but Burke used an Animusvox-Narro curse on it."

"What the hell does that mean?" She asked. 

"Basically, it means the curse used the imprint of the girl, her personality, if you could call it that, to be the narrator. The idea was that when Blaise..." Draco narrowed his eyes slightly at his friend. "Read the book, it would activate and follow him round all the time, insanely chattering in his ear so he'd not be able to have sex. It was supposed to focus in on you, Frobisher, so that eventually he wouldn't be able to stand being around you."

"But it all went wrong."

"Indeed, as they hadn't factored in that someone else might read it first."

Victoria sighed and sat into Blaise's lap, wrapping his un-injured arm around her. "So you aren't going to have voices in your head anymore?"

"No, we made Wood remove the curse, in return for not killing him. All we had to do then was get away." Said Draco, before he necked back the pain relief potion that Frobisher had handed him. "And do you have to do that? You two and your libido's, are what got me into this mess in the first place."

"Get used to it." Victoria said, smirking slightly. "Oliver is history, I'm keeping Blaise."

"Hey, I told you, I would _think_ about it." Blaise protested.

"And I told _you_..."

"Please!" Draco held his hand up. "Don't finish that sentence, I'd rather not know. Do you want to know about our dramatic escape or not?"

"Ok, give me the drama."

"Well there was about fifty, angry fathers, boyfriends and general relatives that the three of them had gathered together, to wait outside for us..." Blaise began.

"Was there bollocks, fifty of them." Draco said. "It was more like ten, maybe twelve."

"Shut up, it makes the story sound better."

"Oh, good point. So there were fifty of these guys..."

"Big guys..."

"_Huge_ guys, all armed with various weapons..."

"Oh Merlin, is there any chance that I'm going to here the real version of this story at any point?" Victoria asked. 

They both grinned at her. "Nope."

"So... Fifty, burly guys, all armed with weapons..." She smiled and shook her head.

"We were lucky to escape with our lives."

"They were attacking us in waves."

"They'd put up anti-aparating charms so we couldn't escape..."

"Actually, that's a point. Why didn't we just aparate there in the first place?"

"I didn't think of it at the time."

"Fair enough. Draco cut his shoulder when one of them swung a sword at him."

"Yes and Blaise dislocated his shoulder when he had to lift one of them up and use them as a human shield."

"Hang on, hang on." She said, laughing. "You already told me, you dislocated your shoulder when you got back here and fell off the broom."

"Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have told you that." Blaise grinned. "Well I'm not going to be the only embarrassed one, Draco cut his shoulder on a lamppost he didn't see, as we took off."

"Hey! You _swore_ you wouldn't tell anyone about that!"

"Well I hope you both learned something from this whole experience." Victoria said, looking between them. 

"Yes, I learned that Blaise has slept with more women that is really his fair share and that he usually isn't that fussy about who. Point in case, you, Frobisher."

She rolled her eyes. 

"And I learned that it doesn't matter what kind of situation we're in, Draco will always find the time to insult people or wind them up in general."

"You_just_ learned this did you?" Said Draco. 

"So, you figured out who was torturing you, you got the curse lifted, you escaped, _almost_ unscathed. I have one last question. What did you do with the book?"

Draco and Blaise grinned at each other. 

* * *

"What in the name of Merlin is this? _The secret writing of Mary-Sue Alyssa Starhawk_...What a load of nonsense... Dark blue hair? _Ice_ Green eyes? I've never read anything so ridiculous..."

_**Later that night...**_

"_Harry Potter was laying in his bed, dreaming of the day that he would hold Draco Malfoy in his arms_..."

"WHAT!"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**And there it is. **

**I know it was a relatively short fic, but it was never going to be an epic, just something for me to experiment with in the comedy genre. If you enjoyed it, please let me know. I've never written a comedy before and it was kinda fun just to write something for the sake of it.**

**Special thanks go to; Jonathan J Strange, Twiist, snapefan 2007, The Nikster, Hysteria and Chaos, Angel of Music Lover, Ms.WrightingFantasy, Saiyuri3, fantasygirl26 and red-gummi-bear75 for leaving me some lovely reviews and cookies.**

**Please R & R**


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